Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly