Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
“No way.” -Jose
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
This forever.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.