fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
You Might Also Like
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Favourite diary entry ever
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch