I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Succinctly put.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…