Cashiers are always checking me out
You Might Also Like
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I get distracted pretty eas
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.