People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
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My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
called in thicc to work this morning
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.