Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
You Might Also Like
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that