What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
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[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
me doing my best
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.