*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
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*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I have many caverns
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”