My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
get you a girl who
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime