[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
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That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.