I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice