What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
You Might Also Like
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls