[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
This forever.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)