I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
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Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I need this for my side hustle.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit