My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
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one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one