[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.