I am, perchance
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it