Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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I’m Sold!
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Breaking news:
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*