He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*