ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Did my cat write this
huge valentines day plans this year!!
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.