WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
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I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?