[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
You Might Also Like
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked