[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
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a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.