Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
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Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Safety first
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.