Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Batman v Dracula
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.