me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial