A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?