When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).