14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”