Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
That’s classic.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake