One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
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formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet