Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
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The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves