her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
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bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Who chose this font
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
🤣🤣🤣
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.