Happy Star Wars day!
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My neck, my back, my…
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.