My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
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If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard