there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
A French press is when you hug naked
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me irl
doing your own taxes
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Meow