It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
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interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
This is a true ally.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree