#NoRestForTheWicked
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The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
A completely valid reaction tbh
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I love twitter
Möther may I have a snäck