*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
good work, detective
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Chemical wingman
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.