me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Watermelon Boss!
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.