you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…