I hate my earbuds.
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My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.