Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
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I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.