No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
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“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.