This is a bad idea on so many levels.
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.