MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
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People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.