Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
We’ve come full circle
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)