Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 馃幎
Him: Mom what鈥檚 a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we鈥檙e lovers?
Stranger:馃槼
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that鈥檚 a panicdote.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 馃
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 饾樀饾槱饾槮饾槸 exterminate all human life.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.