I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
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[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
You’ll be OK
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.